


dear big brother

by watchtheleaves



Category: Boy Meets World
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Autistic Shawn Hunter, Bisexual Characters, Gen, Shawn has ADHD, That's it, also i love cory, but it ends well :D, check the tws before reading, jack hunter is a good brother, jack is autistic too but idk if i look into that too much in this, not chet hunter friendly, oh yeah, shawn hunter is a good kid, sorry about that, takes place during 5x02, the bi bros, the letters were written before s1, there's an ambiguous english teacher there you can make him mr turner if you'd like, uhh this is kinda heavy?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:14:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26131753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watchtheleaves/pseuds/watchtheleaves
Summary: fifteen letters from shawn that jack never got and the answer, seven years later.
Relationships: Cory Matthews & Shawn Hunter, Jack Hunter & Shawn Hunter
Comments: 3
Kudos: 39





	dear big brother

**Author's Note:**

> hey! i'm really sorry if this fic is too heavy. i wanted to look into shawn's implied backstory and life at home and what the letters he wrote to jack could have said and then it just... got sad. like most of shawn's storylines. but! he gets a happy ending and he's loved by many people and now he has one more person in his life he can count on. everything is great :D (no it's not. i cried.)
> 
> ignoring the sad stuff, this fic goes to via because fey love jack and i love them so! hey livia i love you mwah <3
> 
> TWS (important!): child abuse and neglect, a general low perception of self on shawn's behalf, alcoholism and abandonment. these are all big so please mind them before going into the fic! be safe.

When bitterness got the best of Shawn, he found that it was better to run. To disappear for hours or days, to wind down, to come back a new man. If he held grudges—he did—he figured them out on his own and made sure no parties involved got hurt.

Shawn made a conscious choice to take the blow of his anger, sadness, pain, rather than have the people who caused it know the truth. If he caused them suffering, then he was no better than the bad guy. He was no better than the thing he hated the most.

He kept his hands busy with a tennis ball that was so old it had a name and a record. The streets were dark and loud, which was just what he remembered about the place he had run to. The feeling of his sleeves’ fabric against his arms made him feel more trapped, but he wouldn’t take it off.

“Gosh, I haven’t been here since you moved to the trailer park.” Cory looked around. Shawn had wanted to be alone, but he figured Cory didn’t count.

“Yeah. You know, Jack lived here, too. Although I’m sure he’s forgotten.” Before they could fall into any sort of comfortable-or-not silence, he pointed at Cory’s camera and added: “So, why don’t you start rolling that thing and we can finish the movie?”

Cory smiled apologetically. “No, I’m not here for that. That’s not important anymore.”

Shawn shook his head.

“It is to me. I’ve got something to say. Turn it on.”

**one.**

_dear big brother,_

_hi! i’m shawn, i’m your brother! did you know you had a brother? that’s me. dad—he’s your dad, too, right?—told me about you a couple of years ago and until then i didn’t even know you existed. did you know about me?_ ~~_why didn’t you try to find me?_ ~~

_i don’t know how to write letters, but mrs. matthews gave me a bunch of envelopes and sheets and a pen so now i can do it! and she even said she’ll send them to you for me, so now we can actually talk and then we can maybe meet and then we’ll be a family! i’ve always wanted a big brother. did you ever want a younger brother?_

_mrs. matthews says i should tell you about me. i’m ten years old (but i’m turning 11!) and i’m in fifth grade, and i live in philadelphia and my best friend’s name is cory and i live with my dad in a trailer park and i don’t really know where my mom is_ ~~_but i hope she comes back soon_ ~~ _but that’s okay, because dad says she loves me even if she’s not here. i believe him, because we’re brothers even though you’re not here, right?_

 _i like baseball and basketball and comic books and animals and i don’t really like school because i can’t ever really pay attention, but that’s okay_ ~~_because the teachers don’t think i’m smart enough anyway so who cares_ ~~ _._

_do you like sports? or comic books? who’s your favorite superhero? mine’s spider-man._

_is your house big? does it have a lot of windows? do you have a room? is your mom nice? what’s your new dad like?_ ~~_is he scary like mine? does he yell until he sleeps like mine?_ ~~

_now i have to go because i’m staying over at the matthews’ for dinner and then they’ll drive me home and then i have to_ ~~_clean after dad_~~ _sleep because it’s a school night!! i’ll write to you soon, i promise!!_

_shawn_

He had rehearsed, alright. Endless, tear-stained nights writing down what he wanted—needed to say. His mind was screaming, tugging at him for the message to come out after seven years of keeping it in. So, Shawn spoke.

Shawn looked straight into the camera and felt the familiar blur—noises, city noises that faded, voices in his head that didn't finish to make sense, his best friend in front of him disappearing into colors as he spat out words he both knew and feared. Shawn talked, and the emotion in his voice made him feel weak, made his knees tremble.

He took the smallest of breaths, and another voice disrupted the numbness. Shawn didn't turn around right away, because that wouldn't have been the smart thing to do and he wanted to make smart choices, at least once in a while. He waited until Jack spoke, instead. Said what he wanted to say before most likely leaving again.

As used as he was to people leaving, Shawn couldn't say he was familiar with people confronting him—he wasn't used to people fighting to stay.

**two.**

_dear big brother,_

_i just got back from playing with cory all afternoon. did i tell you about cory in my last letter? i can’t remember, but i can tell you now!_

_cory’s my best friend, and he’s the best. we met in kindergarten, and at first i thought he wouldn’t want to be friends with me_ _~~because i’m trailer park trash~~_ _but after that day we kept being friends and we’re still friends now and he’s the best! i hope i’m gonna be best friends with him forever._

 _i already told you about me, so i’m gonna tell you about cory because i know a lot about him. cory is shorter than me, but he gets sensitive when i tease him about that, so i keep telling him that he’ll be taller than me one day, but i think i’m always going to be taller. he has darker hair and paler skin and he’s skinny but he’s not as thin as i am but that’s probably because_ ~~_his mom cooks_ ~~ _he eats more_ ~~_than what dad feeds me_ ~~ _._

_cory and i like the same things! we like cake and we like superheroes and we like rocket ships and we like basketball! when we play basketball, i have to let him win sometimes, because he likes that and i like it when cory’s happy._

_i don’t have that many friends other than cory, but i’m sure i could! we could be friends, jack, if you want._ ~~_but it’s okay if you don’t i get it because a lot of kids don’t want to be my friend_ ~~

_what’s your best friend like? are they cooler than you? i bet not. i bet you’re the coolest ever._

_shawn_

“I never got any letters,” Jack said.

The desperation kicked in when Shawn felt something creeping at the corners of his brain—hope.

“What are you doing here?”

Shawn Hunter and hope didn't work together. They hadn't worked when he was only a kid, and they wouldn't work now. Not when he was grown and stronger and mature, and he understood or thought he understood. If Shawn knew he was meant to walk alone, then why did Jack make him hope?

**three.**

_dear big brother,_

_you know what’s so weird about middle school? girlfriends. everyone has them, i don’t get it! girls and boys… everywhere. it’s so confusing, because i thought everyone just wanted to be friends! that’s how it was before._

_it’s not like i don’t like it. the other day i went on a date with tracy parker! she’s so pretty, and she smells really good and also she has a nice laugh and she’s really smart. i held her hand and everything! we went to the movies and then i walked her home_ ~~_because i didn’t have enough money for dinner_ ~~ _._

 _the thing is… jack, can i tell you a secret? of course i can, i trust you. you’re my big brother! you wouldn’t hate me… right? no, brothers love each other._ ~~_at least i hope they do_ ~~

_what i’m trying to say is, is it supposed to be always like this? because i think girls are pretty, really, i do! they’re very pretty and i like holding their hand and they make me smile and i feel all giddy inside like i’m made of sugar, but then… i just think that boys are pretty, too? i don’t know if that’s wrong. i don’t think i could tell anyone_ ~~_especially not dad_ ~~ _but maybe i’ll tell cory. one day._

 _do you like just girls, jack? it’s okay if you do! or if you don’t! i will always be your little brother and i will always love you because that’s what family_ ~~_is supposed to do_ ~~ _does._

_shawn_

Jack was looking at him like he needed to say more than what his words were getting across.

“My mom must’ve thrown them away without showing them to me,” he explained.

He was speaking clearly, looking at Shawn and even nodding along to his own words. Shawn recognized that behavior from whenever people were trying to get him to understand something, to see what they were seeing. It wasn’t his forte.

“I don’t believe that,” he said. Something inside of him was starting to shift, and he needed to stop it before it tore him apart in front of the one person he thought would never have to see him break.

**four.**

_dear big brother,_

_dad said you’re smart, right? how do you do that? how can someone be smart like that? if you have any tips or anything… i could use a little help, jack, because i think that something’s wrong with me_ ~~_and i don’t want to be broken like that_ ~~ _._

_we had this test, right? it was history, and i’m not really good at history, but i thought that maybe if i read the stuff then i would get a good grade! i even asked cory to study together and mr. matthews told us a bunch of stuff we didn’t get from the books and it was almost… fun! i never thought studying could be fun._

_but then… i don’t know why i failed, jack. mr. feeny says i’m not doing hard enough, and he didn’t believe me when i told him he was wrong! i think he hates me_ ~~ _like everyone else_~~ _and i don’t know why_ _. even cory got a higher mark, and we did everything together. i don’t get it!_

_maybe i’m just wired wrong. maybe i’m not made for school. that’s okay, right? i mean, dad never went to college…_

_i don’t want to be like dad, jack._

_shawn_

“You’re ashamed of me,” he spat. “You always were.”

He turned to leave, to run, to move. He wanted to be anywhere else. He wanted to be anyone else. That was a frequent desire of his.

Shawn knew Cory would grab him before he did.

“Shawn,” he said. Something hopeless was blossoming in his chest—what did they want from him? What did everyone want from him? Shawn hadn’t asked for this. Shawn hadn’t asked for anything he ever got. He just wanted to go home—wherever that was.

**five.**

_dear big brother,_

_i wish you and i could be like cory and eric. eric seems like a really good big brother! i know cory says he’s annoying because he teases him, but i wouldn’t mind a brother even if he teased me._

_eric and cory just have so much fun! every time we talk, cory’s like “me and eric played basketball the other day!” or “me and eric went to the game! he got me a hot dog!” or “eric taught me how to ride a bike!” or “eric made popcorn and we stayed up all night to watch a movie!”. i wish i could have that. maybe you and i could do some of that stuff? or not. it’s lame. i get it, you probably have a life in new york._

_i wish i could go to new york. i don’t know how to take the bus… when i do, maybe i’ll go visit you! and we could be like eric and cory! maybe new york is even better than philadelphia_ ~~_because new york doesn’t have dad and dad’s scary and i don’t feel good when he’s around_ ~~ _._

_you know, the other day cory told me he had a bad dream and eric made him laugh it off and he felt much better after that! and he went back to sleep without being scared!_

_i wish you could be here to make me laugh when i have bad dreams. i think my bad dreams are different from cory’s, though, because mine look a lot like real life, like when i’m awake. does that happen to you too?_ ~~_are you scared a lot all the time, too?_ ~~

_when you’re here, things will be much different. and then we’ll be like eric and cory—no, better! i just know it._

_shawn_

“Let me go,” he said, not turning around.

“No,” Cory exclaimed more sharply than usual. Shawn looked at him, startled, frustrated. “You’re not listening to him, okay? Listen to what he has to say.”

That was easy for Cory to say. Generally, everything was. It was easier to be Cory in any situation than to be Shawn, to be Jack, to be their father. It was easier to be a Matthews with a home and a bed and a girlfriend than to be a Hunter with no place to go and not a single thing to hold on to.

Shawn felt bitterness crawl up the walls of his throat and hated himself for that. He hated himself for envying Cory, craving what he had more than anything in the world.

**six.**

_dear big brother,_

_cory and i got a turtle! it was so awesome, the best thing ever! today was the best day. ever. ever!!!!_

_we found him on the street! how do you even find a turtle on the street? we were meant to be, i know it. turtles are the best! so cory and i just took him_ _home_ _to his house because we wanted to check him out and stuff and then eric got home and he has a flashlight so we used the flashlight to check on the turtle and see if he was injured but he wasn't! or, at least, we couldn't find any wounds_ ~~_but maybe that doesn't mean anything because no one ever sees my bruises and that doesn't mean they don't hurt_ ~~ _._

_we couldn't think of any names, so i said jack, like you! i’m not saying you look like a turtle (dad has this picture of you somewhere in the trailer and i know you were like five in that but still you look much more awesome than a turtle even though turtles are amazing), but i thought it was a good idea._

_then, we made jack a bed in a box and we put him there and then mr. and mrs. matthews got home and said a turtle isn’t made for a house like that, so i said i could take him back to the trailer park to live with me and dad but then they said that that wasn't a good idea because a turtle pet requires responsibility._

_i’m very responsible, jack, really! i've been taking care of myself since before mama left and i've been doing fine! i would’ve been a great friend to jack. i miss him. he was the coolest turtle ever._

_cory said maybe i could get a fish instead, but i don’t think dad would buy me one. there’s a dog in the trailer park, though, so that’s cool._

_do you have any pets? do you like animals? i love animals. i would love to meet your pets!!_

_shawn_

“Don’t get in the middle of this,” said Shawn, defensive.

That was the problem with Cory: he didn’t understand. He tried, he meant well, he cared about Shawn probably more than Shawn cared about himself. He wanted so hard to be the savior of that story.

Cory didn’t see that Shawn didn’t need a savior, that it was too late for him.

So, he said: “The problem is, Shawn, I didn’t get in the middle of this in the beginning.”

Whatever that meant, whatever it was supposed to mean, Shawn wasn’t sure he wanted to know. If it was Cory saying he didn’t want to get involved, or if it was Cory saying he should have from the start—Shawn didn’t have an answer for either statement.

**seven.**

_dear big brother,_

_i’m writing this from detention because mr. feeny said we should work on something useful but i can’t focus enough to study so i’m writing you this! i hope i don’t get caught. i think he doesn’t understand my handwriting so i should be fine._

_hi! how have you been? how is new york during this time of year? it’s been raining for days, here. i like that. do you like rain?_

_sometimes i feel like i’m talking to a wall… i’m sorry if my questions are annoying. i just_ ~~_don’t have anyone else_ ~~ _wanna get to know you._

 _detention is boring. i’m here so often mr. feeny doesn’t even give me a lecture anymore. i think he’s given up on me_ ~~_and i get why_ ~~ _. i didn’t even do anything, this time. i just like it here_ ~~_better than at home_ ~~ _and i didn’t have anything else to do today. plus, mr. feeny is really funny when he gets mad_ ~~_and he’s not scary like dad_ ~~ _._

 _sometimes cory and i get detention together. those days are so fun! we’re not allowed to speak but i think cory and i can read each other’s minds. i always know what he’s thinking and he always knows what ~~i~~ _ ~~_want him to think_ ~~ _i’m thinking._

 _i think i wouldn’t_ _be here_ _be who i am if i wasn’t cory’s friend. i hope he doesn’t get tired of me._ ~~_did you?_ ~~

_oh, sorry about all the doodling! i do that when i’m bored. i was going to draw mr. feeny but i’m not good at drawing so that’s why i’m writing instead._

_do you ever get detention? i bet not. dad said you were an excellent person._ _i wish i could be like you._

 _that’s the bell!! i hope cory waited for me. we’re playing basketball today! and then i’m staying over for dinner and maybe we’ll have a sleepover too. i hope so_ ~~_because i don’t want to be there when dad comes home and he’s been drinking a lot and he_ ~~ _._

_shawn_

He shrugged. “You were behind your camera from the beginning.”

Shawn was good at it. Making excuses for the people in his life, letting them off the hook because _dad’s busy_ , _mom’s going through something_ , _Mr. Matthews has his own kids_ , _Mrs. Matthews didn’t know I was hungry_. Locking the real reasons or what he believed them to be in a safe in his mind where they were guarded by what Shawn invented. That way, people could come and go. No harm was done if they had a reason.

Cory shook his head.

“But I didn’t realize what was going on,” he said. Shawn looked at him and felt something wash down his body.

He didn’t realize, alright. No one ever did.

**eight.**

_dear big brother,_

_hey, jack!! we’re at cory’s house. i mean, me and cory. he’s reading everything i’m writing and reading it out loud and it’s getting a little annoying—just kidding! (he got mad when i said that. not really. he knows i love it when he does things.)_

_i know i normally write you a letter every week but i just couldn’t sleep today so i’m writing to you again. i’m staying over at cory’s house which is good because sometimes when i’m home and i can’t sleep i just have to sit very still and just wait until morning. the trailer park is really hot and noisy and dad snores a lot_ ~~_when he’s there (cory’s trying to see what i’m writing now but i don’t want him to see because he doesn’t know that dad_ ~~ _so i like being here._

 _oh, we made a pillow fort! that’s what i wanted to tell you. cory saw that i couldn’t sleep and we made a pillow fort and usually we wouldn’t do that because eric sleeps here and we don’t wanna wake him up but this time he’s at a sleepover at his friend jason’s, so we did it! it’s super cool. and cory got some snacks from the kitchen so this is the best night ever!_ ~~_i don’t even feel scared about my bad dream anymore_ ~~

_we have to be really quiet because we don’t wanna wake up mr. matthews. i have a feeling he doesn’t like me and he probably thinks i’m a bad influence (cory said “no he doesn’t” but i think i’m right). we’re just whispering but sometimes we laugh and we have to cover our mouths super quick because it’s loud. i’m having fun!!_

_cory wants me to tell you about him. i know i already did, but he’s smiley and sitting like i’m about to paint him, so why not! cory is my best friend, and i like cory. i like cory and his house and his toys and when we play basketball it’s fun and his family is nice and_ _cory ~~isn’t scary~~ _ _gives me hugs when he knows i want them and we like the same stuff like comic books and turtles. cory is my favorite person in the whole world and i’m never getting another best friend. but you could be my second best friend, if you want, jack!_

_okay, now we’re going to go to bed because it’s very late and i think i’m getting sleepy again and cory says that’s good, but that we can share the bed if i’m still scared. i said yes because his bed is big and it makes me feel safe when we do that and also it’s a sleepover, so yeah!!_

_hope you had fun today doing whatever it is that you did!!_

_shawn_

“Listen, it’s not about my film anymore,” Cory said, taking a step closer. Shawn didn’t move, didn’t back down. This was Cory trying to say something. He always listened to what Cory had to say.

He added: “It’s too personal, now.”

Shawn looked at him, at all the features of his face. They were both illuminated only by the dim lights of the store next to what was once his home. Cory was gentle; everything about his face was gentle. He had a kind look, and he spoke kind words.

There had always been something about kind words, like Shawn wanted to listen to them over and over again. Like he needed the world to be kinder. More like Cory.

**nine.**

_dear big brother,_

_i’m a little sad today. i didn’t tell anyone because i don’t like it when people are worried about me and cory’s face always gets scrunched up in a weird way when he’s worried. it’s not even a big deal but i figured i can tell you because brothers don’t keep secrets from each other, right?_

_did you know there’s a theatre group at my school? of course you didn’t. i’m telling you know, but you couldn’t have known because i didn’t even know. there is! kids from all grades can join, and every year they do a play. i went to see their class today and it was so cool! they read texts from new plays and old plays and they have costumes and it’s like they can be totally different people!_

_i thought, “wow! theatre is so cool!” because so many kids there were nice to me and cory says cool kids are good kids or the other way around, and they were all very good. they asked if i wanted to join and i was really excited and i wanted to say yes and go tell cory all about it!! it was like i was joining a band. a super cool band. i’ve never been invited to those things ever before!_

_so i said yes, but that i’d have to ask dad first because he needs to sign the permission slip. i know how to fake his signature because that’s how i get the free lunches at school, but still. today he was actually home so i told him about it!! i thought he would say it was cool, but…_

_i get why he said no. really, i do! he says i’m much better when i’m helping him and uncle mike in the workshop, and he’s probably right. theatre isn’t for cool boys and i want dad to think i’m cool. do you think i’m cool? i think you’re probably super cool, jack._

_i thought maybe if i did theatre i would have a chance to be someone else, even just for a little while. i guess it wasn’t meant to be. that’s okay. i’d rather quit than have dad get mad at me_ ~~_again_ ~~ _._

_shawn_

There were a few seconds of silence. Shawn’s thoughts were like a waterfall—so many different movements, uncontrollable and unstoppable. That’s what his brain felt like whenever he was facing something challenging. Sometimes, he would feel like he was watching from above, from firm land.

He didn’t feel like that, right then. It was more like he was drowning, trying to swim against the current.

Shawn didn’t know if Jack was still standing behind Cory. His best friend was looking at him, close to him, speaking.

Cory breathed, half-smiled, and said: “This is your life. Give it a happy ending.”

**ten.**

_dear big brother,_

_it’s my birthday today!!!!!!! i’m turning eleven. that’s how old harry potter was! it’s hero age, that’s what our english teacher said. he’s really cool. i think he would like me if i did good in his class, but i don’t, so he thinks i’m bad. it’s okay, though._

_cory brought me a muffin! he said that wasn’t my real present because the real present was arriving later in the week, and i told him he didn’t need to get me anything but he said he insisted and that it was from the entire matthews family. that made me feel fuzzy_ ~~_because i’ve never really had a family before_ ~~ _._

 _dad wasn’t there when i woke up this morning so i made myself a cake and blew a candle myself. i think it was raw, though. that’s okay. dad didn’t come home last night. he was probably_ ~~_with some girl_ _drinking_~~ _busy. maybe he’ll be there when i get back._

_wait, that’s the bell! i’ll finish writing this letter when i get home. i’ll be right back!!_

_he’s drunk. i don’t like it when dad’s drunk. i got home and all the lights were out and he’s watching tv now but he smells bad like he always does when he’s drinking. i don’t think he knows it’s my birthday today. i could tell him but i don’t wanna bother him so i’m just gonna call cory instead._

_cory says i can go over to his house for dinner. i didn’t tell him dad was drunk, i just said he was on a business trip. i think he believed me. only you know dad drinks. you’ll keep the secret, right, jack?_

_the matthews must be waiting for me, so i’m gonna go, now. i’m gonna spend the night there. maybe dad just thinks my birthday is tomorrow? maybe he got me a present! yeah. maybe he even planned a surprise and he was acting like he didn’t know. everything’s going to be okay. i know it is. maybe the surprise is mom! maybe it’s you!!_

_birthdays make me feel weird. i think i need new shoes._

_shawn_

Shawn looked at Cory, who wasn’t moving. Cory, who wasn’t walking away. Cory, who was just Cory. Shawn knew he wouldn’t go anywhere until he did something, said something, acted upon what his brain was yelling at him to do.

So, slowly, he shifted his weight from one foot to the other and bit back the lump on his throat. He circled Cory like he was walking towards his doom and found Jack.

Jack, who was still there. Jack, who looked both nothing like Shawn expected and exactly the same. Jack, who had his same speech patterns except for the slight New York accent that slid into his words from time to time. Jack, who was looking at him like he was begging for forgiveness.

The night was long. Shawn hoped he could find some forgiveness along the way.

**eleven.**

_dear big brother,_

_today we talked about what we believe in during class and i think that’s stupid because we’re kids so how are we supposed to believe in anything? some kids said “god”. cory said his dad. i don’t think i believe in either. what do you believe in, jack?_

_when we walked home from school (because we are pairing for an assignment and that means i can be at cory’s house a lot_ ~~_instead of going home_ ~~ _and i like that) we talked about ghosts and aliens and all that. eric was there, too. eric is so cool. i wanna be cool like him._

_cory says aliens don’t exist, but eric says they do. apparently there are pictures, but cory says they’re fake, and i don’t really know how a picture of something could be fake but if cory’s saying it then it must be true. eric says they’re real and they built a lot of stuff and they’re actually among us (i don’t know what “among” means, but…). cory thinks that’s stupid._

_he said he does believe in ghosts, though! yeah, cory and eric say they once saw the ghost of their grandma when they were on a trip, and it spooked them. i don’t know what ghosts look like. i don’t think i’ve ever seen one._

_then they asked me… i didn’t know what to say! i don’t have any stories or clues or anything, but i believe in ghosts, in aliens, in everything. not god, though, because i talked to him and he never answered. or maybe he was just busy_ ~~_or he didn’t want to talk to me_ ~~ _._

_i believe in you, though, even if you don’t answer me. i know you will, one day._

_i’ll send you pictures if i ever see an alien or a ghost or god. did you ever see any of them? do you have any cool stories? i’m sure all your stories are cool, even if they’re ghostless._

_shawn_

He wanted to say something, to yell at him, to cry, to punch him.

What came out of him was: “Did she really throw them away?”

Jack breathed a deep breath, one of temporary relief. Shawn was talking to him, and he guessed that to him, that meant moving forward. Shawn hoped it would be as easy as that.

“I never got them, man,” he said. He sounded helpless and repetitive. Like this was all he could do. Like, if Shawn didn’t believe him now, he never would. Like this was his last chance.

Shawn thought he was probably right. The Universe hadn’t been great on chances when it came to him.

**twelve.**

_dear big brother,_

_jack!! jack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my god!! i got an A!!!!!!_

_it was real, jack, i saw it with my two eyes. and cory saw it too, and the teacher said it was real, so it is! i thought i had failed because i always do, even if i like the books we’re reading and i work hard on my report and i even save up to buy fancy paper to write it on. i always get F’s or D’s or maybe C’s, but never A’s!!!! i was so happy and my hands did the thing where they get all antsy and bouncy. i’m so happy!_

_cory got a B +! he says he’s super proud of me and that next time he’s gonna ask me for advice. that’s so crazy. i feel like cory is actually a lot smarter than i am. i’m the looks and he’s the brains. that’s what some girl said. i don’t know how i feel about that. i like being the brains._

_mrs. matthews was so happy she made me pancakes and hot cocoa! she gave me a kiss on the head and asked if she could keep the test to put it on the fridge. that’s where they keep all of eric and cory’s high scores and morgan’s drawings. i said yes. i hope she didn’t see me because i was turning really red and i think i cried a little._

_dad didn’t really say anything when i told him, but i know he’s proud of me, deep down. i hope you’re proud of me, too! dad said you’re really smart. i hope i’ll be as smart as you are, one day._

_the pancakes were so good. mrs. matthews is a really nice person. cory is very lucky._

_what’s your mom like? does she make good pancakes? do you?_

_shawn_

“But if you had,” Shawn said. He felt like his words were coming out choked, strangled. Maybe they were. “Would you have written me back?”

He held his breath. Every Shawn Hunter he had ever been—the rebel, the player, the victim, the failure, the scared kid who hid his bruises under baggy shirts and cracked jokes in the middle of class—waited antsy for the answer to a question he had asked himself for years.

 _If people knew I care_ , he would think. _Would they care, too?_

**thirteen.**

_dear big brother,_

_we had this assignment for class where we had to write about the future. it’s weird that they keep asking us all these questions when we don’t know anything. i’m eleven! how am i supposed to know? it’s frustrating._

_cory said to take it easy and just use our imagination. i think he took it literally because he wrote about being a famous NBA player but he’s shorter than i am. i told him maybe baseball is more his calling and he liked that and i think now he’s gonna change NBA for the phillies and i think that’s really cool. he wants to make a lot of money and live in a mansion and have a boat. he said i could use the boat if i want to! that was super cool. i know everyone thinks he’s kinda lame, but i think cory is super cool._

_so the thing is we had this assignment, right? wait, hold on. we have recess now. i’ll keep writing when i’m back! cory wants to show me a cool snail he found._

_i hate writing to you during history. mr. feeny is looking at me weird. let’s hope he doesn’t catch me. whenever he catches someone writing something that isn’t notes for his class he reads it out loud and it’s really embarrassing and everyone laughs and i don’t want that to be me because then everyone’s gonna know i’m writing you letters and only cory knows that. not that i’m ashamed of you!!!! if they laugh, then whatever. but i hope i don’t get caught._

_so, the assignment. i have to write about the future, but i think that’s dumb,_ ~~_because i don’t even know if i’m gonna have for dinner tonight so_ ~~ _how am i supposed to know what my future is gonna look like?_

_cory says i need to think about what i want. he says, “think big”. so, if i could have anything in the world…_

_i know! i know!! one day, i’m gonna have a big house and i’m gonna have a dog and a turtle and i’m gonna have a job and i’m gonna be with my best friends in the whole world and nothing is gonna go wrong ever. you can be there, too! you could have your own room! isn’t that cool? we could live together!!_

_i don’t think that’s what my future’s gonna be like. i hope it’s something like that. i hope you’re in it, jack. what are your plans about the future?_

_shawn_

Jack smiled a little, and Shawn recognized that gesture from many kind words Cory had said to him in his life. It was a smile that came from the eyes only and could mean many things. It usually confused Shawn instead of comforting him, in the end.

“If I’d known you wanted to see me,” Jack said, definite. “I would’ve gotten on a bus and found you.”

Shawn looked at him— _really_ looked. If he squinted, he looked a little like their dad. He sounded more sincere, however. Even if that was because Shawn had never heard or seen Chet Hunter be anything close to sincere, it counted. Jack wasn’t lying.

He was there now. He hadn’t been before. Shawn didn’t know what to do with that.

All he could say was: “Yeah?”

His brother (his _brother_ ) smiled again, now with his whole face. He shrugged a little before saying: “Found you now, didn’t I?”

**fourteen.**

_dear big brother,_

_hi, hi!! this is gonna be a short letter because usually i write a lot because i have a lot to say but now i’m just excited! i’m this excited: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (that’s my brain right now!)_

_dad got me a comic book!! for christmas!! he said it was also a late birthday present so that means he knows!! it’s a spider-man comic book and he didn’t wrap it or write a note or anything but i know it’s for me because he gave it to me!! i thought he would forget because he also said that christmas is stupid and that only rich people give each other presents but now he changed his mind! i’m gonna read this all day and then again and then show cory._

_i didn’t get dad anything because i don’t have any money. i think he was_ ~~ _upset_~~ ~~_mad_~~ _disappointed because he wanted a present but i told him i’ll work on the shop for free for a month as a present! he said that was good._

_i’m so happy i can’t stop smiling. i think dad could actually like me. maybe we could be a real family and then you’ll want to meet me, too._

_merry christmas, jack!_

_shawn_

Something inside of him—something Shawn had planted a long time ago when he was only a kid; something that had grown from a small seed to a giant maze wall—broke into pieces. Shawn felt his body tense up and wind down all at once, and he had to stop himself from looking back at Cory (who was very much looking at the two and smiling) and asking him to take over from him.

He let his hands fall, as did his guard. He sighed.

“All I’ve ever wanted was a brother.”

Jack looked at him, more serious, more truthful. Like he was stepping out of the shoes of a person that needed forgiveness and stepping into the ones of someone who would do anything to make amends—to repair the harm done even if forgiveness never came along.

He said: “Okay. You got one.”

**fifteen.**

_dear big brother,_

_my hand is shaking kinda bad and i have a lot of words in my brain and it’s going really fast and i don’t understand my thoughts and i don’t understand anything so i’m sorry if this letter is bad, you could just throw it away. i feel really stupid for writing right now. i just thought talking to my big brother would make the pain go away._

_i couldn’t work at the shop today because my english teacher asked me if i wanted to tutor a younger kid (yes, me!) for some extra credit so i did. i thought dad would be okay with it._

_i swear i tried to call to let him know but he wasn’t home so i figured it would be okay if it was a school thing but when i got back he was waiting for me and he was yelling and he was angry and dad is so scary when he’s angry and i just wanted to make him stop but i didn’t get out of the way fast enough and then dad is just bigger than me because i think i’m just really small compared to the other hunters and i haven’t had a real dinner in really long so i was hungry and the hit just made me cry and then he got mad because i was crying and he just kept going and_

_it hurt. my arm hurts. i think cory noticed when i went to his house like i do when i run away but i told him i just fell off my bike. i didn't tell him about what was under my shirt, because then he would get worried and i don’t like it when people are worried because of me._

_it’s just bruises, i’ve had them before and they usually just fade away, right? cory never notices them. mrs. matthews looked at me for a moment and then told me i could stay for dinner so i am. i don’t wanna go home._

_are you scared of coming home because of dad? i’m scared of dad, too. maybe we could be scared together, jack. you shouldn’t be scared of me. i really want to meet you. i don’t want to be alone with dad anymore. i want a big brother. why won’t you be my big brother, jack?_

_i really wish you liked me. i promise i’m not like him._

_shawn_

The city slowed to a still point for the few seconds it took Shawn to assimilate the words. He looked at his brother like he was transparent, gaze unfocused as every single version of himself had its reconciliation with that sentence, with the person to say it.

He didn’t have much more time to come to a conclusion or figure out how he was feeling, because before he could push away, swim the other way, yell at someone or himself—before he could do anything to remind himself that no, Jack didn’t mean it, Jack was leaving, Jack would never stay—he was being pulled into a hug so warm it made him crumble.

Shawn noticed Jack was taller. It wasn’t a big difference, maybe not even two inches. He saved that in a new safe inside his brain: one that kept truths about Jack, and not just imaginary facts about a made-up brother in his mind.

It was in the hug that he noticed Jack was real. He was someone to stay, someone to share his name, to share his history in one way or the other. He was blood and water all at once. Shawn trusted him because he needed to and because he felt like he could. That feeling of safety didn’t wash away when they broke the embrace, or when they walked home and talked and laughed like the world was easy to walk on.

They attempted to pull an all-nighter that worked as a first brotherly moment, just sharing drinks and getting to know one another. However, there were complications because Shawn didn’t make it past the first hour before dozing off. Emotional changes take a toll, Jack figured.

After finding a blanket to cover him with, Jack decided he could try to get back some of the lost time in a different way: he called his mother and asked for explanations.

A box with letters arrived at his door two nights later, and Jack read as if his life depended on it. He was reading the third letter when he realized that a life had depended on it, just not his. And when he couldn’t find any way of being at peace with himself for it, he wrote.

Shawn woke up to an envelope sitting on his nightstand.

**sixteen.**

_dear little brother,_

_i don’t have words or a way of going back in time to fix this. i know you said it’s okay, but it’s not, and i know you know that. i’m seven years late, and i missed so much. i should’ve been there. i should’ve been the brother you needed. i know i wasn’t then, but i am now. i hope you still want me._

_shawn, i never feared that you would be like dad. i was so young when my mom and i moved to new york, and i didn’t even hear about what dad would do to her until many years later. i didn’t know about you, but i wish i did. you shouldn’t have had to go through that alone, and i’m so sorry i wasn’t there to get you out._

_dad was a monster, but you’re not him. you weren’t then, you aren’t now, and you never will be. you’re just shawn. my little brother. and i know you’re not little anymore, and you can watch your own back, but i want to be the brother i wasn’t for all those years. i want to be there for you if you’re ever happy or sad or scared, and i want you to share things with me. i want you to know that you have a family with me. always. we can make a new meaning for what being a hunter really is—that's what you've been doing for seventeen years. i'm only now getting started._

_i’m going to make some pancakes now because. i can’t sleep. if you wake up and smell smoke, that’s why—truth be told, i’m not the most incredible cook. but i wanna give it a try._

_i know you were scared for so long, shawn. i know it felt like it was you against the world, like absolutely no one was on your team. i don’t know if anyone else knows about dad, and that’s not my story to tell, but even if i’m the only person, i want you to understand that what he did wasn’t right. you didn’t deserve it and i know that even if you don’t._

_i look at you and i don’t see him. not in the slightest. i just see you, the person you grew to be ever since you wrote these letters. i only see you and feel proud that you’re my brother._

_cory told me you’re seeing someone and that you have people to talk to about this. that’s really good and it takes a lot of guts. if you ever decide you want me to be one of those people, let me know. i want to be whoever you need me to be._

_no matter what happened before, i’m here now. through thick and thin, now and whenever you need me. i don’t know if i can fix this, but i’m gonna try._

_love,_

_big brother_

**Author's Note:**

> god, i love them. also let's pretend harry potter came out in 1990 and not 1997, yes? great.
> 
> you can yell at me for writing this on twitter, where you can find me as @xesouI (capital i!). i also talk a lot about anything bmw related and loona, if you have taste and stan them.
> 
> thanks for reading!! wear a mask and stay safe <3


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